Maria Strong

1787

Jan 26th                 Had the toothache

April 14th                 Had the toothache

April 15th                 Ditto. Wrote some letters

April 17th                 Had the toothache and

         Miss Dobson spent the evening

April 27th, 28th       Had the toothache

         Read Miss Bowdler’s essays.

Dec 25th                Went to Racquet Court to have a tooth drawn

         had no resolution to get out of the carriage

         angry at myself for being so childish.

Dec 26th                Went to Newington in the snow

         had the toothache

         deserved it.

Dec 31st                 Went to Clapham with the toothache.

Jan 1st                    Went determined again to Racquet Court

         sat down and saw the Instrument and

         came back

         like a fool.

Jan 3rd                  Went to Mr Woofendales, still could not

         have my tooth drawn

         will never try again.

Sept 15th                Had the toothache – hard rain

Sept 21st                Had the toothache all night

Sept 22nd              Ditto – good for nothing

˜˜

2013

July 16th  Tuesday

Drove eleven miles from top of Clarkston to west end of Argyle Street for pre-arranged filling. Didn’t recognise dentist. Seemed young for a dentist. Usual dentist had left when I was on holiday. Lay back while spring chicken checked upper right wisdom. Expected small filling. Had only ever had small fillings. After she stopped to change drill-bit I raised hand. Queried proceedings. Was told it was large filling. Four-year relationship had ended four days prior (during the holiday; while dentist I liked was starting her new life). Already felt like the pulp had been scraped out of me, did not need metaphorical dental appointment. Forced self not to cry for fifteen minutes of immobilised trauma. Took miniature toothpaste sample I was handed on way out, left car in its free parking spot and walked, frozen-faced, from Kelvingrove down to Strathclyde Uni to hand in some paperwork, then walked around city and forgot dinner. Took subway back to Kelvinhall, spilling tears when the tunnelled scream of wheels on track mimicked my life and I couldn’t escape.

July 17th    

Awoke with large chin zit from numbing fluid injected into jaw. During lunch pain shot through the filled tooth. Happened any time I chewed. Couldn’t understand why tooth was playing up. Phoned dentist.

July 18th        

Drove eleven miles from Clarkston to Argyle Street. Dentist placed tiny strip of blue paper between right wisdom teeth. Moved teeth from side-to-side as instructed. Then back-and-forward. Blue staining revealed the bite on new filling was too high. Noted to self – she hadn’t used paper after fitting it. She drilled away stained area, tested again. Clear.

July 21st  Sunday

On Friday evening had concealed zit and met friends in city. Got to bed at 3am Saturday morning. Was awake again at 3am today with pain across right cheek and jaw. Wasn’t sure if it was toothache. Had never experienced toothache. Felt pretty immense to be covered by term ‘toothache’.

July 22nd

Phoned dentist. Receptionist said she was unavailable, asked me what problem was. Receptionist called back to explain that the nerve in my tooth had become inflamed. She advised Ibuprofen and “a wait-and-see approach. Sometimes pulpitis is reversible, sometimes it isn’t.” In my world, painkillers are for other people so Googled ‘toothache, natural cures’. Stopped short of ordering fermented cod liver oil, rich in Vitamin D, as didn’t want some rancid fishy slime to kill me (at that stage—Ed). Instead, put pack of butter in an oven dish to make ghee, for its Vitamin K2. By bedtime, pain present all the way from under ear to top of head. Cheekbone ringing. Only ever fall asleep lying on right side but couldn’t put right side of face on pillow. Lay on left side and felt like an imposter in my own night-time.

July 23rd

With yesterday’s list, drove to Giffnock Wholefoods for natural anti-inflammatories and tooth aids. Found clove oil, calcium tablets, homeopathic hypericum, turmeric, chamomile oil, salmon oil, arnica, cranberry-coated dental floss and all-natural mouthwash. Queuing to pay, was hyper-aware that I’d given up job two months ago to be a student again in September – but what price a tooth? Back home, rubbed on or swallowed all remedies then knelt on living room floor holding head in hands while forehead touched the rug.

July 24th  Wednesday     

Phoned dentist. Dentist returned call at 6pm. Said wisdom tooth nerve complications were common. “Wisdom teeth are wide and shallow. The nerve is close to the pulp. It’s easy to aggravate.” (As easy to aggravate as someone who’s just called time on beautiful-but-unworkable commitment and hasn’t been able to eat much since?). Was advised that if pain and sensitivity hadn’t calmed within a week, the tooth was probably a goner, and “level of pain being described indicated irreversible pulpitis.” Was told that if it died it would need root canal treatment or removal. (The week threshold had passed already but kept quiet – this tooth was staying put. Had gone for innocent filling and now could lose entire tooth? Nope. They’re required for a lifetime.) Was asked why hadn’t taken Ibuprofen. Said I’d never taken painkillers; avoided pharmaceuticals ’cause they had ingredients and side-effects that didn’t interest me and were sold by people who cared more about profit than health. She said Ibuprofen wasn’t just a painkiller, it was an anti-inflammatory, which helps to settle the nerve. Jeez Louise. Why’d no one spelled that out sooner?

July 25th

Awoke fuming at shit dental care: the filling of a trouble-free tooth, the filling with no warning of nerve risks, and no mention of tricks to avoid problems afterwards (yet internet was awash with them: ‘Check the bite of a new filling’, ‘Don’t chew on the same side as a new filling for a couple of days’, ‘Avoid the friction of brushing a newly filled tooth,’ ‘Take Ibuprofen as a prophylactic to stop the nerve flaring up’). Crestfallen. Colgatefallen. Those first few crucial days were lost. Could the woman with years of training not have told me any of that? Someone lies in the chair and a fresh-faced thing sees a mouth and an income, disconnected from the human with a life to make happen. Walked two miles and back to newsagent for notepad, to keep a record of what’s been going on, because dentist can’t be trusted and don’t want to forget details. Sat on back doorstep and filled in the entries up to today. Then had to lie down. It’s one thing not to sleep well but it’s another level not to be able to nap to make up for it. Trying to rest face in any position is impossible with the excruciating pressure. Drastic decision – take drugs for their anti-inflammatory properties. Found pharmacy open after 7pm, hovered, succumbed, went in. Asked with equal measure of ignorance and shame for Ibuprofen. “You’ve really never taken one? You’d better take just one at a time then. With food.” Produced a tenner and packet of drugs cost £1.05 pence. What? Nothing costs £1.05 pence. No wonder people are eating these like sweeties. They’re cheaper than sweeties. Recalled how much I’d spent on natural remedies and wondered when modern world took its wrong turn. Also agreed to the suggested toothache numbing gel. Returned to car and swallowed first ever Ibuprofen. Felt strange taking drugs in a car in the suburbs without three 17-year-old friends, a fug of smoke and Lenny Kravitz belting out. Tried not to think about unknown toxins and the slippery slope to benzos in the handbag. If I could settle the nerve I could keep the tooth. Back home, dabbed on numbing gel which numbed precisely nothing. In breach of the Trade Descriptions Act, within moments, was experiencing intense agony. An ingredient leaching through to the tooth nerve? Mint? Alcohol? Crumpled to the floor in my postage stamp hallway and lay at bottom of staircase, sobbing, with head supported by the bottom stair. Writing that down I realise how low I am sinking.

July 26th     

Decamped to friend’s to housesit some kittens for weekend. Lush garden, lush spell of weather. Would’ve been a delightful bolthole, a distraction from everything, except ex phoned in tears after two weeks of silence. Upsetting enough, until my alcoholic sibling sent slew of abusive texts along lines of how heinous I am for existing and for not doing everything she wants when she wants it. Feeling a little overburdened as it was, my mother then had a go at me for worrying her about her grandchildren being alone with a drunk parent because what could she do about it that late on a Friday? Sat in foliage-heavy garden in darkness and heaved and wailed (at low volume) and asked what I was being punished for ‘cause didn’t think I had capacity to figure that out… nor had done anything bad enough to deserve it all. Took throbbing jaw back indoors. One kitten was sat inside my trainer and others were asleep in a bundle on a cushion. None of them had phoned me in tears nor sent a vicious text. Adorable.

July 27th  Saturday

New filling traps more food than before so have to floss several times to get all stringy bits stuck up there. Anytime tooth feels a little better, flossing makes it tender again. If stop flossing, does that risk more decay? To fall asleep am taking 200mg of Ibuprofen and another 200mg about midday when pain builds to intolerable levels. Half of recommended dosage but refuse to take more. Already feel like am letting side down taking any at all.

July 28th   

Ate little and slowly.

July 29th

Ditto.

July 30th Tuesday

Friend arrived back from trip and said, “the dying tooth represents the end of your relationship and residual gunk and just let it go; let the dentist take it out.” But I didn’t think the relationship had been gunky (at that stage—Ed). Was a beautiful one. And had ended beautifully. Basically, we hadn’t been able to live in the same location and both earn a living so then we’d tried fortnightly long-distance visits, but there’s only so far that’ll get you.

July 31st

Sat in a café to get some reading done in a space that might keep mind off tooth. Young dad came in with months-old daughter. He cooed over her in a way so happy, tender, loving and relaxed it struck me that no human had interacted with me like that since moment life began. Wasn’t sure what it would’ve been like, as little kid, to have been seen in that way. I suspected it would affect how well we made relationships as adults. Tears rose. Quickly left café sensing that magnitude of sobs requesting release was more than Shawlands high street could handle. Made it to car, sent out emergency texts and one friend took me in for family meal. So busy chatting that didn’t eat with enough care on right side of mouth. By car journey home, couldn’t stand the fact of that tooth in my jaw. Could no longer have it there. Mouth didn’t want it there. Was fed up of tooth nearly settling then crescendo-ing back to full torture levels.

August 1st Thursday      

Phoned dentist first thing. She said there was something left to try: numb mouth, remove massive filling, place a temporary material infused with eugenol to numb the nerve for two weeks, remove temp material, then redo massive filling. Desperately wanted reversible version of pulpitis. Googled eugenol, aka, clove oil. Natural at least. (Didn’t learn until later that the vibration of a drill is enough to upset a tooth nerve and so more drilling was never going to help—Ed.) Got in the car, drove 11 miles. En route home went back to café, running the gauntlet perhaps but decided that seeing examples of nicer side of humanity might be more helpful than detrimental. Had brought summer reading project with me; The Diary of Hannah Lightbody 1786-1790. Around time I’d resigned from job, was handed a book (a supplement to Issue 24 of academic journal, Enlightenment and Dissent) by its editor – a friend’s father visiting from Wales. The book reproduced Lightbody’s diaries; covering period when a young, middle-class woman was supposed to circulate to find a suitor. It hints at tensions this caused for an educated woman expecting to become subsumed into marriage. In spring, leafing through, I’d noticed that many entries were short, just a sentence and, listed in succession, looked like poetry (well, my kind of poetry anyway) so I’d thought ‘Why not?’ and applied for some funding for a creative project based on the book, to occupy the summer, and funding was granted. Reading Hannah in detail it’s been hard to shake feeling that we were meant to meet because, it turns out, for 20 months across 1787-88 she was having bad toothache and scheduling dental visits. It’s like a long string of dental floss connecting the 1780s with 2013.

August 2nd

Tonight (it took long enough) I’ve twigged it’s the new routine with natural mouthwash causing twenty minutes of heart-searing throbs as I lie trying to sleep on the wrong side of my face. What a melon. If these notebook entries of uninformed incompetence can help one other person to avoid the same mistakes in 250 years’ time, it’s my absolute duty to record all this.

August 4th Sunday

Spent yesterday with friend in Dunbar for festival of film poetry (is that a genre? Really though?) then stayed over at her aunt’s. Heading home today, met an academic in Edinburgh who my friend’s dad had suggested could be useful.

August 10th Saturday

Having a drink last Sunday has begun a dalliance (as Hannah might have said – though certainly won’t have partaken of). The kind that blindsides; comes from nowhere and becomes prioritised by both. Has taken mind off tooth to a degree. Amen. Or maybe that’s been Ibuprofen, who knows.

August 14th Wednesday

Lover is much longer sleeper in morning than I am, which offers lots of time for walking, reading and taking tooth remedies. Especially because am not sleeping in same room; if slept beside him I’d feel disloyal to ex. Not rational but it’ll pass in its own good time. Have been hauling a travel mattress to Edinburgh in back of car. Lover made observation about how many bags I travel with. It was casual, factual, but I teared up a little and hid it. You have no idea. Nobody has any idea. If we ever know each other better I might tell you why I’m good at travelling with bags but for now just let me have my bags; clothing, bedding, tooth remedies, toiletries, laptop, paperwork, clothes. Could put it all back in the Vauxhaull if that’s what you’d prefer?

August 15th

Have met friends at the city’s summer arts festival and watched meal companions glance at plate incredulous that I was still making way through stone-cold serving; but was so hungry had no choice. Met ex-colleague today who’d just had bowel surgery. Ah the mutual joy as we took an hour each to finish our lunch.

August 17th Saturday

Sitting on lover’s sofa with laptop after brunch, noticed an email with time stamp of after midnight from alcoholic sibling. It could only have one kind of content and didn’t feel up to reading it so asked lover to read email and tell me what it said. Apparently, she was threatening to send information that would mess with my head. I didn’t reply. No need; had tooth which had been doing that already for a month. Besides, was almost sure that I knew what she was threatening to reveal because it wasn’t news to me. Still, had to take time out in Vauxhaull to let jitters pass; the adrenaline surge from a damaged bully contacting unwanted and out-of-the-blue.

August 19th Monday

Appetite massively reduced. Have got very used to hardly eating. Have to encourage self to eat at all. Would be easy to stop altogether. Doesn’t sound like much but that’s a major force when it finds its way into your head. Keeping on top of it, just.

August 20th

All day the tooth spoke to me in inflamed, contained terms. Crack me open, it said. Let some air in. There isn’t enough space for the white blood cells flooding here to calm this nerve, it said. The itchy, hot pressure is too much. Can’t stand this. Want it out. Phoned the receptionist. Said I wanted to see a different dentist. Googled NHS negligence to discover my rights.

August 21st

Drove eleven miles with my notebook. Told fresh dentist that I wanted a complaints form. The filling had been commenced without informed consent – nothing about its size, risks, or helpful aftercare had been mentioned. This dentist told me that temporary eugenol dressings are next to useless in settling nerves and that she never places them. What? And that a white filling can’t be refitted because it won’t stick to the tooth anymore so then you have to drill even more to make it stick. What? Furthermore, she’d never fit a white filling because she doesn’t think the material is safe in the human body. She herself has, and only fits, gold fillings. What? Was incensed and intensely confused that dentists within the same practice could have such different interpretations of their job description. Why was I sacrificed on the reclined chair of the other dentist when the woman across the hall thinks her methods are bullshit? Told her there was no pain today, so must have saved the tooth. She thought all the nerves had finally died. She put some kind of electrified probe against it and turned current up. Didn’t feel a thing. Sayonara wisdom tooth. I asked if tooth could stay, with root canal. She x-rayed area. Said its spindly, twisted roots would be hard to empty out and refill. Plus the roots extended into my sinus so, just to warn, if I did have tooth out, there would likely be a hole through my sinus and any liquids I drank could run back out from nose. Not the best party trick for someone newly single. “A small operation at the dental hospital would fix that,” she assured. The dentist smiled, saying, “You should be having no problem with all this, with your surname. You should be strong.” You have no idea, lady. No idea. How far back do you want to go? Day One? Let’s start when I was conceived inside an underweight twenty-seven-year-old who lived on tomato sandwiches and smoked through her pregnancy and completed a house move, with two young kids, right before her delivery date — a house that her young husband had borrowed money to build in between visits to the pub after work and the rugby club on weekends. I think it was their fourth move in five years. At the hospital, I was induced because the consultant didn’t want to risk missing his Sunday golf so, out I came, but lo, my tiny body kept fitting and I wasn’t eating because it turned out I was full of mucous which they suctioned out but still I wasn’t well enough to leave hospital so stayed there for many days while my mother went home and didn’t come back to see me. My introduction to the world was a big old dollop of solitude and medical intervention by half-competent strangers. Oh my, history does have a habit of repeating itself, doesn’t it? Shall I carry on? The inter-generational alcoholism, the raging, striking, midnight flits to Granny, bailiffs at the doors and windows while home alone after school, the ongoing house-moves. Fifteen and needing pocket money so washing cars on weekends for a pervy relative who’d touched me up years earlier? My expression let her know that puns on my surname were not required. Two acts of vandalism had been committed in my mouth while I’d been graciously grieving my favourite person in the world and fending off a sibling after 41 years of one-way abuse. I’d resorted to painkillers for the first time, while watching my supposedly carefree summer dissolve into facial pain and fasting. All my clothes were loose. Everyone thinks they want to lose weight but when there’s nothing you’d like better than to eat half of a plate of food in under 30 minutes, losing weight is not the joy you’d expect. I’ve been eating ghee with a teaspoon to keep my calories up. Told her I wanted the tooth out. She refused. Told me to come back when I was sure. I thought I had been sure. Obviously she has a policy of not interfering inside the mouths of people who seem close to the edge which, I concede, applied to me.

August 24th Saturday

Dead tooth still tender cos ligaments around it had become irritated. Throat muscles also cramping, to compensate for prolonged mouth discomfort. Starting to feel things that Ibuprofen had been masking. Decided I’d be one of those people who could have a dead tooth in mouth for years with no bother.

August 26th

Structures around tooth still tender. Have developed raw sensation in right nostril. Like a cold coming on. Yesterday, tongue chanced upon tender spot on gum. Today it was a swollen tender spot. Huh. Six days. How can someone taking every available natural antibacterial from oregano oil to Vitamin C get an abscess in six measly days? Made appointment to have tooth out, in an echo of Georgian recidivist appointment-maker, Hannah; who should’ve had no problem with this stuff, with her name, Miss Lightbody.

August 28th Wednesday

Looked at dentist’s daisy hairclips as quizzed her carefully on what would happen. Was expecting mouth clamped open and ten minutes of tugging. Tooth was out within seconds. Took one paracetamol one hour later.

August 29th

Awoke with large zit on neck from three syringes of painkiller it had taken to be unaware of her yanking. Have started salt-water rinsing. After seven weeks of frazzled innards and any-excuse-for-a-long-walk, halfway home from the local shops today I had to stop; exhausted, weak, tearful. Drug withdrawal? Too much weight loss? The sum of the entire summer? Of four decades? Uni starts on Monday, an intense ten-month training to become a school teacher and, instead of starting it well-rested, it’s been a charm bracelet of twice-a-week dental visits, liquid diet, broken nights and a broken heart. Plus unintentionally landing myself in a long-distance relationship with a near stranger; after splitting from someone very special because we’d lived too far apart. Another awkward conversation-in-waiting. What would the summer have looked like if I’d been able to go straight from one lover to the next with the hedonistic abandon of a bohemian in a dream? If that tooth had never acted up? If dental care involved some actual care? (Had evolved beyond the drill-it-fill-it-then-pull-it methods of forever.) If my first eighteen years had featured stable, steady parents (ditto their first eighteen years)?

September 1st  Sunday

For 46 days I’d never felt full. Until yesterday, three days after the extraction, when I ate a bag of tortilla chips and a couple of fruit scones in one sitting; using only one side of my mouth. I’ve been keeping hydrated since the extraction and not a single drop has dribbled out from my nose. Must have strong sinuses. The dentist would find that comment hilarious.

Reference

Opening lines found in, The Diary of Hannah Lightbody, 1786-1790, Ed. D Sekers, 2012